10 Absolute Gems from NYC Craigslist

Lately I’ve been trawling the pages of Craigslist on the two searches that seem to consume the lives of New Yorkers: jobs and apartments. Because compiling shocking apartment ads wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining (“they want how much for a studio in Washington Heights??”), I decided to share 10 gems from the motley smorgasbord that is the New York City Craigslist jobs board.

These all come from the first pages of various categories of yesterday’s “Jobs” section. Maybe you’ll find your next gig among them!

1. The “write my novel for me” post

There’s a lot on Craigslist from people who are trying to get other people to write for free. The “write for free” debate is a popular one right now, with convincing arguments for and against. But there’s a fine line between gaining exposure and being a total sucker.

First of all, I hate it when ads ask if “you are hungry.” Hungry for what, exactly? Experience? Attention? Tacos? I imagine a Hansel-and-Gretel-type witch beckoning from her candy house (the picture doesn’t help). And if this steampunk queen’s novel was published by “one of the big five,” why does she (he?) need to “collaborate” with a young, hungry writer? Finally, lest you forget— this is a “speculative venture,” so you might very well stay hungry!

2. The “privileged nanny” post

This Upper East Side mom has the audacity not only to request a name-brand art school “type,” but to demand that this “type” has “NO outside interests” Monday through Friday. But remember, artists in the making, while you will have to abandon all those creative, art school pursuits 70% of the time, this is still the “oppty of a lifetime”!!

3. The “did you really think it would be that easy?” post

What a blessed opportunity for all of the “good girls” of New York! I’m sure they have all been waiting around, sighing and biting their nails, for your Craigslist ad. Particularly with the added note of “open” compensation. If this sounds appealing, reply; if this is a totally sad and transparent attempt to get game without even trying, please move on to OKCupid.

And part 2—

A 30-year-old “older woman”? Ouch. How old are you, 16?

4. The “NO SEX” post

See? They said no sex! Can’t fight that logic. I particularly like point #4. You might get arrested, but hey!

4. The “DEFINITELY SEX” post

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T GET THE PART ABOUT THE SEX.

5. The “art house porn” post

This is when “artists” request “models” and “actresses” come to their “gallery” or “film set” to contribute to their “work.” Their really, really porn-y work.

To apply for this job, you must be: 1. A college graduate. 2. Experienced in the field. 3. Smack-able.

Part 2-

This is not a porno, this is an oral sex documentary. Let us be clear.

6. The “implausible freebies” post.

Flexible hours! Work from home! Free cars!

7. The foot fetish post

Actually, this whole post of mine was inspired by a conversation with my friend Becca, who surprised me with a visit to Queens yesterday morning. She is also sifting through job ads and saw a similar “let me massage your feet *heavy breathing*” post on Craigslist (in the rural VA college town she lives in…). Turns out business is booming in the foot fetish industry! Ladies, warm up those arches and “be ready to work.”

(Side note— this reminds me of the hilarious Sex and the City scene in which Charlotte gets free heels in exchange for the favors of her feetsies.)

8. The “writer wanted/desperately needed” post

Can you both “write” AND “create” reviews? do you have spare time? then please reply to me from you!

9. The “calling all English majors” post

Awwww. Awwww. One “aw” for “isn’t that sweet,” and another for “damn that’s pathetic.”

I may or may not have responded.

10. The “unusual service requested” post

Is this person serious? I don’t know, and I don’t really care. I called Ryan and left him a message to the tune of “clean up your shit hole of a room, you slovenly, despicable good-for-nothing.” I e-mailed him to ask for his final mixtape of abuse, and this is the reply I got:

Apparently I wasn’t abusive as abusive as I thought. Which is rare.

Oh, Craigslist… Enriching our hungry, sexy, angry, creative, good girl lives, every day.